a few days ago, i watched a youtube video from one of my favorite creators calling out femme lesbians. they joked about how we act like it’s such a struggle to be mislabeled or judged by how we act and dress.

they were poking fun at the “struggles” of femme lesbians. they said femmes don’t have it hard and we make it a little more dramatic than we need to about the world not automatically knowing we’re gay. and that we should stop talking about femme struggles lol. in what world should someone be told to stop talking about something that genuinely bothers them or what they feel defines a big part of who they are?

spoiler: i didn’t like that. i mostly didn’t agree. but i wasn’t mad. i’m still not mad.

no, someone not automatically knowing i’m gay isn’t the end of the world, and it doesn’t make me less of an OG gay if i can’t lock eyes with another gay at a club/bar and make it automatically understood.

but, to me and many others in the community, femme struggles are a real thing. coming out was hard enough but so is feeling not fully accepted by a community simply by how you choose to dress, act, etc. or by feeling a way about our own selves.

truth is, there is trouble with mislabeling, and downplaying someone’s label- if they choose to use any. on a typical day, i am a straight passing, femme looking lesbian. i know it! and i also know that sometimes this is a form of protection for me. being Black is beautiful, but it can be its own challenge when dealing with a not so accepting or understanding world. the fact that who i am is up for question a lot in life is so unfortunate.

it’s so frustrating to have to come out or “prove” i’m gay, but it’s my reality. and to me, it’s an important reality to face and talk about.

i am often met with people asking how they can look more gay, if they need to pick a specific label, or how they can tell if someone they’re interested in is gay or knows that they’re gay themselves.

simply put, you just tell them or ask. you don’t need a label or signs to do that. the most they can do is either match your feelings or say otherwise; they can’t bite your head off! well, they could, but that’s a whole other issue that goes beyond the realm of what my IG or simple writing is for.

you don’t need a label or A1 gaydar! i don’t mind labels, though. i actually really love them for myself. to me, it gives me another layer of an identity that i am so proud of. because, hi. i am a feminine, Black lesbian! i’m comfortable with that. and the person who needs to know i’m gay knows it very well.

there are times, i will admit, it is frustrating to be in public at gay bars, even at pride and feel like i don’t blend in, or people think i’m there to support my gay friends. while this isn’t the end of the world, it can feel a little invalidating.

i love how i look and how i dress. it’s who i am, and it’s what i feel most confident and happy in. most days you will probably catch me dressing quite feminine, but you may also catch me dressing somewhere in the middle, fluid, and all the greatness. it’s my choice and it’s what i am most comfortable in!

no, clothing alone isn’t the biggest issue and it doesn’t make you femme or make it hard for others to know or “believe” you’re gay, but the mindset does.

i don’t like the parts of the LGBTQ+ community that choose what they feel is laughable or that some of our thoughts/feelings are invalid.

i show up and talk about these things because i’m proud to be a femme lesbian! like, beyond proud. it’s who i am and love it. yes, it is annoying to have to constantly come out and not feel “gay enough” or ridiculed by others or be the center of jokes from other parts of the community. but, i am who i am and i like it! and i love my this entire community, but especially my femme friends who just… get it.