for so many, the holiday season (and other holidays throughout the year) can be a time of warmth, comfort, joy, and overwhelmingly happy emotions; but, for a great amount of people, it can be the complete opposite.

hello! i’m taylor and i’m slowly working my way out of the latter category.

holidays have always been a weird time for me, but after coming out they got even worse. the thoughts alone about  the holiday season actually bring me really great anxiety.

“because i am “straight passing”, my family never thought twice about me possibly being gay”

i used to be able to quietly show up for holidays as my gay self- to an extent. because i am “straight passing”, my family never thought twice about me possibly being gay and they were just fine making homophobic and offensive jokes during the holiday season.

thankfully, it’s more just mild anxiety now for me, but it used to be extremely crippling. sometimes so crippling to the point where i’d actually look forward to working instead of going home to tennessee.

i hated the idea of going home and being surrounded by people who didn’t think like me at all. being around people who don’t think like me doesn’t cause me anxiety- just those same people who think so oppositely of me that they make it their hateful mission to make that understood or attempt to change the way i thought.

the holidays also meant i’d be spending time back home without my girlfriend. if i went home, it was usually a week at minimum. which meant, for a week or so of my life every year i was in a false reality environment where i put my real life on pause and into a little box to make everyone comfortable. every year that i did this, i felt more detached from this world with my family.

looking back, i also realized no one ever asked about me or my life. i caught up with almost everyone in my family and some of them didn’t even think twice to ask what i’d been up to or what makes me happy on a daily basis.

i’ve always felt like an outcast in some parts of my family in a way. i always thought differently than a lot of people and i had more emotions than the typical person in my family would. i was different.

i’m truly so lucky to have my chosen family and one side of my girlfriend’s family. they’ve made my past couple years of holidays really amazing and filled them with so much love.

aside from that, my girlfriend has been so monumental in starting new holiday traditions with me. we have our own little family with our dogs, and i truly wouldn’t trade that. everything i’ve had to go through in life after coming out has been so worth it for her.

my heart aches for those who still have tough emotions around holidays due to fear of their families reactions, how they’re treated, toxic environments, certain relationships with certain family members. i am so sorry to those who do not yet have a holiday escape plan or another family/chosen family that they can retreat to. but always know what is safest and best for you and do not fear the idea of setting boundaries and standing firm in those. 2020 is weird and wild enough, no need to let people who are not you affect that any more than need be!